I went to a Starbucks for only the second time in my life.  They have unisex restrooms.  The problem with unisex bathrooms is that women use them.

As anyone who has ever been to a concert or met a woman in person for that matter could tell you, they take a very long time to go to the bathroom.  Unnaturally long.  So, when Starbucks provides two unisex bathrooms, and you need to use one of them really badly, you can bet that both of them are occupied by women and you, as a man, cannot even begin to gauge how long you will have to wait because you genuinely have no idea what it is they are doing in there.  But, I’m guessing it has something to do with cottonballs.  I dont know what, exactly, but the purchase those things in the same size sacks that peat moss comes in and they store them in their bathrooms. So, I had to wait an unfair amount of time to use a restroom. That was an adventure.

I have been on the road for a while now. I can’t remember when I left, but it has been long enough to have the EM-50 Phantom Rambler break down, get repaired, and drive across the country, where I got the vehicle promptly stuck in a patch of “sugar sand”. My first thought upon getting hopelessly mired was, “Oh good – an adventure.  Now my readers can experience this nightmare without actually doing it themselves.”

This happened in Slab City, Ca.  Sugar sand, which was featured in the classic movie, “The Princess Bride” under the name of “lightning sand” is ordinary-looking on the surface, but is loose and doesn’t become hard packed until you get near the Earth’s core. (pic related)

When I realized that I was hopelessly stuck in a seriously godforsaken section of nowhere, I was elated and delighted to have to opportunity to solve the puzzle and extricate myself and my trusty mount.  I love using my lateral thinking skills.

I rooted around through my supplies until I found some 550 cord…

…next, I “went shopping at Slab Mart”, which is the local term for digging around through the ubiquitous mountains of refuse until I found a fairly sturdy 2 X 4.

My plan (and MacGyver himself would have sure been proud) was to lash said 2 X 4 to the buried tire thus creating a virtual snowshoe to bridge the rut and give incredible traction.

Affixing the board took longer than it should have because I had to pause my work frequently to giggle at my own brilliance.

About halfway through the project, I broke a sweat in the unbearable heat and a swarm of flies, the likes of which have not been seen since the time of Moses, spontaneously came into existence  and covered me so to drink in the salty goodness coming from every pore on my body…except my forehead – they left that part alone, thus ensuring that I would have a constant torrent flowing in to sting my eyes.

Eventually, I had it in place. It worked perfectly for almost an entire revolution. Then the weight of the Rambler snapped the board like a toothpick. Oh well.

I tied my underwear to my head and set off to find help.  I found Donny.  A full-time resident of The Slabs since 1968.  As I approached his abode, two dogs came charging at me.  Donny hollered out not to worry about Sarah, she was mostly harmless.  He followed that by screaming, “Duke! Stand down!” Duke did not.

I had always heard that when a vicious dog comes for you, your best option is to confuse him by pretending you are calling him.  In the wide open spaces, with nowhere to retreat to, I gave it a shot.

“Come here, Duke!” I trilled. “That’s a good boy! Come here!”

It worked. When I said it, he pulled up like Tony the Wonder Horse about to step over a rattler. I swear his violent barking stopped instantly as he made sort of a “hunh?” sound, then eyed me suspiciously. Duke knew a nut when he saw one.  But, by then, Donny was on him and had a grip on his collar.

I explained my situation to Donny.  He said that I wasn’t the first person to get stuck out here and, that if I like, he would call Gary for me. Gary had a rig capable of tugging out derelict like mine.

I thought it over for a minute then decided that, yes, yes indeed I think I would like it if he would call Gary to drag all of my worldly possessions back out and enable to be mobile again. Good idea.

A few hours later Gary arrived and set me on my way.

And on I went.

Happy to be stuck with…Michelle Long.