I awoke in Springfield, MO and decided that when it comes to being healthy, I would fake it until I make it.

So, I pretended I felt fine. I did not.

Everyone agrees that superlatives are the greatest, so I went to find me one.  How does the World’s Largest Fork grab you? (pic related)

I don’t know about you, but it made me hungry. I considered for quite some time going to this place that I vaguely recalled hearing about – World Famous Lambert’s Cafe, “Home of Throwed Rolls.”

I researched to try and figure out why they were familiar…world famousness aside.

It turns out this place chucks dinner rolls across the room at its customers. It’s quite a hoot!

In the course of my research I found out that a lawsuit was filed against them this year by some guy who took a dinner roll to the face and he claims that he almost lost an eye.

I set out to find why I love America. Unfortunately, it is during this time that I also find what I hate.

I’m not cussing this asshole who somehow managed to get his retina detached by a flying bakery item, soft though it may be, during what is supposed to be a night of family fun and frolic. I mean, what would I do if I was in his place and faced with a hospital bill of $25,000 that I couldn’t pay?

Everything costs too much.  Medical care is through the roof, of course.  And, Obama Care was just a blank check to the insurance companies, I dont care what anybody says…And, there are more lawyers than there is work to support them, so they go about suing the crap out of everybody and everything…and the legal system is comprised of lawyers, so they encourage that everything be brought in for them to decide on and…the whole thing is exhausting. Soon we won’t be allowed to leave our homes, let alone engage in madcap antics like this throwing bread across a room.

I didn’t want to go to Lambert’s anymore.

I went to Marionville, Mo instead.

Marionville is a small town (pop 2,000). And they are involved in a fight with some other towns in Missouri (and one location in Tennessee, but frankly they dismiss the Volunteers as frivolous wannabes) over a title they claim is rightfully theirs – “Home of the White Squirrels.” I shit you not. I mean, yeah, they have white squirrels, (pic related)

but I am serious about arguing over the title.

I pulled over to consult my map and decide my next destination. I eventually chose to see everything in the 50 mile stretch between Marionville, MO and Eureka Springs, AR (spoiler alert – there’s nothing. Farmland after the harvest and before the planting).

I chose Eureka Springs because it claimed to have a Guiness Book of World Records record holder.

The World’s Largest Musically Tuned Wind Chime!

The “musically-tuned” part is important, otherwise your run-of-the-mill dipshit could just hang a bunch of clanging metal scrap and declare himself a winner.

I’ve been on the road for a couple of months. And, I have hunted down some pretty obscure stuff. I tell you now, nothing gave me more difficulty than this one. My GPS dumped me off at an intersection about three miles away. I checked the internet for clues and, still didn’t come close.

I drove all over that town. By the way, Eureka Springs is a mountain resort town that first came to prominence because the local Indians claimed the many natural springs had healing and rejuvenative powers. So, we took it from them.  Then, Daniel Boone camped there. Now, it is Swiss Alpine-themed village thing with TWO haunted hotels. Including one, The Crescent Hotel, that calls itself  “The Shining of the South”.

I was learning all kinds of stuff as I drove around looking. This “Windchime of Destruction”, as she has been called by those who have stood directly beneath her when a breeze picked up, was proving quite elusive.

It was said to be in the parking area of some hippy joint called, “Celestial Windz Bizaar” but, damned if I could find it.

When I finally gave up and decided to press on, I shot right past it, hooked a quick U-ey and whipped into the lot. (pic related)

The place was closed.

Until further notice

Oh well. I didn’t want to buy anything anyway. I came for The World’s Largest Musically Tuned Wind Chime!

This is the tree is was hung from…

You know, back when it was still on display and whatnot.

Here is the bumper from a car that was kind of buried in leaves…

And, here is a trippy, windchimey kind of thing that is on the porch…

Ok, truth be told, I was a little disappointed that The Windchime of Destruction was no longer there and all the other pics of their stupid crap was not going to make up for it.

I needed something to save the day. I needed to rally.

I didn’t have to go far before coming upon Razorback Tower. (pic realted)

My first thought when I saw it was, “I’m gonna tackle this bitch.” (text to Trixie related)

The tower was completely unattended and, by means of inserting 4 quarters into an ancient coin slot, one can get the turnstile to spin. The above referenced problem came when I got stuck in said turnstile. It was quite snug.

Sheer panic gave me the squirt of adrenaline needed to allow me to buck and wriggle sufficently to make it through, but then I remembered I am sick and have to get back through again to exit. I had no more adrenaline.  I was caged.

Oh well. Might as well check out the view from the top. (pic related)

I came up here to show Trixie how high my love for her is…and to spit

When I made it back down to ground level I was feeling the full force of whatever it is that is ailing me – rasping and wheezing. But, I made it back through the turnstile without having to call an EMT with a cutting torch.

Rally successful.

I ramble on.